When Parts Block the Flow of Love

Love, at its essence, is our natural state of connection—central to our humanity and who we are. Yet, for many of us, the act of giving and receiving love feels surprisingly difficult, even with those we hold closest, such as our partner or children. Something inside seems to hold us back, creating distance despite our longing for connection.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), that "something" is often a part—or multiple parts—of us that act as "protectors". These parts are not malicious or flawed; they aim to shield us from pain based on past experiences. Over time, they take on specific roles, shaping how we respond to intimacy and vulnerability.

Recognizing the Blocks

These are some common parts that may block the flow of love and connection. Perhaps you recognise a few?

• The Avoidant Part: This part fears vulnerability and seeks to protect by keeping emotional distance. It may cause us to joke during intimate moments or fixate on our partner’s unsuitability to avoid commitment.

  
  

• The Inner Critic: Believing we are unworthy of love, this part may convince us that rejection is inevitable, prompting us to push others away before they can hurt us.

  
  

• The Perfectionist: This part demands impossible standards for love—either from us or our partner—leading to self-rejection or dissatisfaction before connection can fully develop.

  
  

• The Angry Defender: Reacting to love as though it were a threat, this part may respond with anger, pushing others away to protect us from potential pain.

  
  

While these parts may frustrate us, they are not the enemy. They are stuck in protective roles, shaped by difficult times in the past, and are trying to shield us from a similar hurt. Unfortunately, their well-meaning actions can inadvertently create distance in relationships and block the natural flow of love.

How IFS Supports Healing

IFS offers a compassionate framework to engage with these protective parts.

The first step is noticing when we are “blended” with a part—when its voice feels like our only truth. For instance, we may feel consumed by self-doubt from an inner critic or driven to withdraw by an avoidant part. Instead of acting on these feelings, IFS invites us to pause and get curious.

During a session we can enter into dialogue with the part and ask questions like, “Why are you reacting this way? What are you trying to protect?” By approaching these parts with compassion rather than judgment, they begin to relax. As they trust us to lead, they step back, creating space for our Self—our calm, loving core—to take charge.

From this self-led perspective, we can soothe our parts’ fears and offer them reassurance. This unblending process allows us to access our innate capacity for love and connection.

Moving Toward Authentic Connection

When protective parts no longer block the flow of love, relationships transform. Interactions feel lighter, deeper, and more authentic. Love, which once felt out of reach, becomes a natural and ever-present force in our lives.

Take a moment to reflect: Are there parts of you standing guard, holding back your ability to give or receive love freely? If so, try approaching them with curiosity and compassion. When we begin to heal our relationship with these parts, we take the first steps toward opening our hearts—both to ourselves and to those we cherish most.

Through this journey, love can become what it was always meant to be: a state of being, not just something we give or receive.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it, and embrace them

- Rumi