When You Don't Feel "Yourself"

Do you have the experience of just not feeling like "yourself"?

Something is interfering with how you want to act or respond—like a shadow over your usual self? Perhaps you've woken up feeling sad, reacted defensively with your partner, or felt unexpectedly annoyed with a friend. These experiences can feel out of control, as though something within us has taken over.

It's an icky, uncomfortable feeling that we want to shake off but can't.

This "something" often reflects our inner parts at work.

Understanding the Dynamics of Blended and Unblended Parts

Our inner world is a vibrant tapestry of different parts—distinct voices, emotions, and roles within us. These parts, whether harmonious or conflicting, shape how we experience life, relationships, and ourselves. Some days some parts are more prevalent (e,g, the sad part, the defensive part), some days our parts fall back and give us some distance and then we are in 'Self'.

When we are in 'Self' we experience this as not being 'blended' with a heavy emotion or an aspect of ourselves that seems to have an agenda. Instead we feel free, spacious, curious, creative, connected to others, courageous, open and warm. As conscious human beings we almost always have parts that are 'blended' with us and parts that are 'unblended' with us. Sometimes being blended can be helpful, when we are blended with a part that is very motivated to achieve for example. But when we're blended with an unhelpful part it can cloud our perspective, leading to reactive behavior. Unblending allows for clarity and self-awareness.

You can also think of blended parts like clouds that suddenly arrive and cover the sun and the blue sky. The 'self' is the sun and the blue sky, always there, just temporarily obsured by the clouds (parts).

How Blending Affects Our Experience

You know you are 'blended' when a part becomes so prominent that it feels as though it is the self. I have two parts that frequently blend with me:

1. My imposter part that tells me I don't belong, that I'm no good at what I do and any moment someone will call me out. It makes me act small, I hide my talent and I don't take risks.

2. A critical part that looks at my writing, my art, my home and tells me it's not good enough. It saps my motivation and makes me want to give up before I've even started.

These parts are similar and often work together. When they blend with me they become so loud that I can't hear any other part and I start to believe them. It becomes very hard to recognise that these critical voices are just one perspective within a larger internal system.

Conversely, when parts are "unblended," they can still be present, but there is enough distance to observe them from the calm, grounded center of the self. We can be with them more objectively, seeing them as just one perspective.

Blending with parts can prevent us from being our best selves and can seriously hinder our ability to live a happy life. For example imagine being overwhelmed by an anxious part before a significant event. You might feel consumed by fear, unable to tap into the confidence and steadiness that resides within. You aren't able to give your best at this event. This part may take over so significantly that you start to choose a life that doesn't require you to attend such events.

The Role of Unblending

Unblending creates space to pause, reflect, and act from the self rather than being driven by a single part. For instance, when anxiety arises, unblending allows you to acknowledge its presence without letting it dictate your actions. This space enables you to access curiosity and compassion, key qualities of self-leadership. You will be able to see the anxiety, recognise it, and offer it reassurance for its role "I see you trying to keep me safe from exposure, but i've got this, I'm prepared and I know what I'm doing." After doing this work with the part for some time it will eventually come to trust in self-leadership, and not need to be so forceful in its role.

The Journey of Working with Parts

IFS therapy offers tools to identify and engage with both blended and unblended parts. The process involves:

1. Noticing and Naming: Begin by identifying the part that is present. For example, if you feel defensive, notice where that sensation is in your body or how it manifests in your thoughts.

2. Creating Distance: Acknowledge that this part is just one aspect of your inner world. Phrases like "A part of me feels defensive" can help create this separation.

3. Getting Curious: Ask the part what it’s protecting or why it’s stepping forward. Often, parts act from a place of care, even if their methods are unhelpful.

4. Building Relationships: Approach parts with compassion, recognizing their role in your life. This relationship fosters trust and allows parts to step back, knowing they are seen and supported.

Practical Steps for Unblending

The goal of IFS isn’t to silence or eliminate parts but to foster harmony within the system. We don't ask these parts to go away or stop. We simply want them to dial down the volume and give us some space.

There's plenty you can do yourself outside of an IFS therapy session to recognise blending and then unblend.

1. Mindfulness Practice: Take moments throughout the day to check in with your inner world. Notice which parts are present and how they influence your emotions and actions.

2. Journaling: Write from the perspective of different parts to understand their roles and concerns better.

3. Self-Compassion Exercises: Practice speaking to parts as you would to a friend, offering kindness and understanding.

Final Thoughts

The interplay of blended and unblended parts is a natural part of being human. Learning to navigate these dynamics through IFS offers a path to greater self-awareness, emotional balance, and authentic living. By embracing all parts of ourselves with curiosity and compassion, we create space for healing and harmony, both within and in our connections with others.

Take a moment to reflect: Which parts of you feel most present today? Are you blended with any of them, or can you observe them from a place of self-leadership? Begin this journey of inner exploration with kindness—it’s a gift only you can give yourself.